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A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple gets out, the cat shoots back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains the driver “ he is just gone upstairs to say goodbye to my mother,”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab “sorry it took so long, the old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a hanger to get her to come out.”

One day Mike took some time out from his job. Later in the day when he returned his boss asked him, “Hey, Mickey, do you believe in life after death?” Mickey was confused but managed to answer: “Why...Yes...I suppose I do!”
The boss said “Good. Because your father was here looking for you after you left for his funeral.”

Dave> Your mum is so dumb that she was on her way to the airport and saw a sign that said “airport left.” So she turned around and went home

Mike> Your mum is so fat, when you walk around her you get lost.

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

A blonde walks into a bar and the bar tender says the drinks are on the house. When the bar tender locks up, there is the blonde on the roof. He asks, "What are you doing up there?" She replies, "you told me the drinks were on the house."

This Indian goes to see the Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him why Are you afraid of the cinema?. The Indian replies I am an intelligent man, I know it is a movie, but does that animal know?

A Indian took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Rajasthan, but two days later disconnected it. Because he

was getting complaints Idiot! He's taking the phone and Saying he's not there.

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Arkansas, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died while doing 'it' with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."

"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"

"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."

Sardarji calls British Airways. "How long does it take to fly to London?" "Just a sec," says the rep. "Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up.

My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day. "No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down..."

Sardar Gurbachan Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear". "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"

"That son of a bitch called back after, Gurbachan replied in anger.

Mr. Raj Veer Singh is traveling from London to Turban Pore (Capital of Khalistan) .Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to pass time. Raj Veer : "Oye Gary. You think I don't know who you are?. I can't compete with a world champion" Gary : "How about if I play left handed ?" Raj Veer : [Think.. Think..] "OK!" Raj Veer is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend GurBachan Singh. Raj Veer : Hey! you know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me in spite of him playing left-handed... GurBachan : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! you know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!!

When Gavaskar finds out that a movie has been released in Australia, called “Gavaskar”, he is very happy. He plans to watch it and

gets a ticket for Australia at once.

With great difficulty he manages to get a ticket and very happily he goes to see the movie. But when he comes out of the cinema he is

very angry!

He goes straight to the director of the movie and says, “What do you mean by this? You named your movie 'Gavaskar', but didn’t show anything about me in it!” The director of the movie smiled and says,

“So now you understand the problem? You people too made a movie called “Border”, but did you show anything about Allan Border in it?”

A Blond finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray........... "Oh God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The Blond goes back to the temple....................."God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Blond still has no luck!!

Blond goes back to the temple.................."My God, why have you forgotten me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Blond is confronted by the voice of Lord:

"BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say...'look, he's moving!"

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